There are mornings when I wake up feeling disoriented
and nauseous. Dreams of another life haunt my waking life like
the ghosts of presents-that-could-have-been. While I’m cleaning, cooking, or
caring for my kid, I’m suddenly lost in thoughts about what my life might have
been like had I made different choices that weren’t dictated by fear—or worse,
complacency.
As if I were selecting an avatar at the start of a
game, I scroll through the different versions of myself in my mind: a professor
at a small college in New York living with a partner and our cats, a middle
school teacher at an independent school in Roland Park with a retirement plan
and sick leave, a freelance writer who travels the country and sleeps under the
stars.
They are all phantoms who prey on my darkest moments; they lie in wait
for fleeting feelings of resentment, regret, and guilt to pass through my
aching heart. They can sense my vulnerability, and, though they feast more
often than I’d care to admit, they always pounce with the ferocity of starving
beasts. My heart and mind are torn asunder by the longing for something different—for
prosperity, family, friends, accolades, and adventure that might have been mine
had I only had the knowledge of myself to know what I wanted and the courage to
take it.
After the ghosts have had their way with me, the bitterness that
remains terrifies me. Is this how old, crotchety people end up stooped and
angry at the world? Does the gradual decline begin with what-ifs and
could-have-beens? And can the spiral be broken before who I am has been
consumed by who I wished I could have been?
Stop telling yourself that the grass is greener on the other side, because it’s not. It is greener where you water it. So take control of your life and start watering your own pastures and grow your own greener.
all these posts about people clutching their pearls about seeing bare titties at pride make me laugh because at last year’s pride i met a cishet guy who had no idea what was going on and had joined because he saw bare titties and thought “those people look like they are having fun, and also i can see tits for free” and he asked me about what was happening and let me explain LGBT struggles for some time before telling me he had a transgender cousin and he was going to make sure to be there for her in the future. bare tits will be the beacon to world peace
